return and fear

Hey guys:

Not a whole lot to say today. I’m still slogging along. Feel okay. A little tired perhaps.

My return to work date is tentatively scheduled for on or about 13 January. That will finalize on the 23^rd of this month (the day before Thanksgiving), when I go to what I hope is my big final appointment when the doc tells me I am cancer free.

I’m kind of terrified about that – I keep that anxiety pretty close to my vest, but this blog thing is about revealing publicly what I hold privately. I know all the signs indicate I should be alright, but gosh darn it, Murphy is always in the wings (remember Murphy’s law). I don’t know what I would do if the scan came back abnormal. I truly don’t! 

There are far fewer options than you might think. You see some of the drugs in my type of chemo are so dangerous there is a limit to how much you can take in a lifetime. I wonder how close I am to the limits. So if this thing is still hanging around inside of me, the response options might be limited. I f I want any at all. 

I'll cross all those death and dying bridges when the time comes -- hopefully many years from now.

That’s it for now I guess. This life and death stuff can wear on you. With any luck Thanksgiving will be a time for a real celebration and it will all be a dead issue (bad pun, but I couldn’t resist).

Peace,

Bill

slowly geting better

Good morning Chemo 13 Gang members:

Chemo doth murder sleep. I’ve been up for some time and I’m cranky!

Rough day yesterday. I’m not sure if it was chemo side effects sneaking back in, but I just felt lousy. It was either side effects or the Bratwurst, French Onion dip, and chips I ate watching football.

A few of you guys expressed concern I was pushing too hard too soon with the exercise aspect of the recovery. I appreciate that and I will be very careful. Like today I’m pooped, so all I’ll probably do is ride the stationery bike that takes up a large piece of my living room. The stationery bike is pretty benign; heck the bone marrow transplant unit at the hospital has one! Regardless, your warnings are well heeded.

Actually last week was a time for establishing baselines for moving forward. This is the data I compiled.

Before Cancer                                                 Now

HEIGHT            6’1”                                                              3’.5 (I’m only half the man I

use to be) heh, heh,

Weight             255                                                                  225

Pushups            60                                                                    1

Max run             5 Miles (conservative)                                     600 yards

Sit-ups             70                                                                        Not attempted – abdomen not

    ready

Walking            No limit                                                            ½ Mile (Sunday’s new world

   Record)

Bench Press            325                                                             125

This data suggests that cancer beat hell out of me, but that’s cool. I’m still here and the Burkitt’s is gone (I know, I know don’t be counting chickens).  The thing is that most of the chemo recovery is an invisible incremental thing with good days and bad and there’s really no way to measure success on any day. But tracking these things gives me the sense of control over what is still a somewhat uncontrollable situation. 

Do I feel better than I did four weeks ago? Sure. My stomach isn’t doing cartwheels with the frequency it used to; my fatigue is better, but I still need to hunker down throughout the day; and my legs, feet and hands are still a bit off, but getting a little better. Even so it’s still a fight most days although I am getting the upper hand.

So it's mostly baby steps.

I guess that’s it for now.

I am working on figuring our what I’ve learned so far from all this. I’ll let you know.

Peace,

Bill

no post this weekend

Guys:

How are you? I won’t be posting this weekend. I’m taking the weekend off.

Bill

A run -- if you want to call it that

Good day gang members:

It’s way earlier than I want it to be. I still get a touch of insomnia from time-to-time. I’ve been up since almost 0300; man I hate that.

Well I laced my Asics running shoes yesterday afternoon and went to the front lawn and stretched a bit – calves, thighs, hamstrings, and etc. I was quiet because of the deep concentration. Like most athletes I was visualizing the task before me; the smooth gliding of my legs as I moved along pavement, creating that sense of the ground rolling beneath my legs. I got to my feet and looked down the street and saw the road open before me on the crisp fall afternoon. It was a perfect day for a run.

While me brain was fully engaged, my legs were not.

I started. Each step was it’s own personal torture, as my legs seemed to lag behind the commands from my brain. There was no fluidity of motion; it was almost as if my thighs were asleep. Each breath a struggle. I trudged up the street passing house after house as my heart pounded so loud it echoed in my ears. Thump, thump, thump.

Evens so my goal loomed on the horizon if only I had the mental and physical toughness set aside the leg neuropathy and make it that far.  My limbs burned and I slapped the stop sign that mark the halfway point of my run. I sucked in some air, turned around, and faced the road back to my house.

I stopped for a second marveling at my poor physical condition.

I was off again and as I closed to within 100 yards of my house my legs seemed to find their way and each step became a tad smoother. My breath, though still labored, seemed more in control. I was exhausted -- all for the sake of about 650 yards.  If that far. I didn’t keep track of the time because I don’t want to become suicidal. You would have thought I’d run a marathon by how I felt.

But, there is a huge iceberg of good news in this attempt. Toward – mercifully – the end of the run (and that’s generous, it is probably best to describe it as a trudge) my legs did start to feel “normal.” Does that mean I will gain some ground on these side effects as time passes? Will my lethargy go away? Will my legs, feet, and toes stop tingling. Is this something I can control with exercise? This is all very positive.

It was about as miserable a run I have ever had in my life. It truly sucked and highlighted how far I have to go, but it was also inspiring.

All of the literature from the National Cancer Institute insists that exercise is an important component of any recovery effort – chemo effort too for that matter. Oh well, we’ll see.

I guess that’s it for now!!

Peace,

Speedy

getting fat, zombies or murderers

Buenos Dias:

Okay I solved a little bit of my single pushup challenge yesterday – I didn’t attempt any. Obviously this can’t go on forever, but it was a fine solution yesterday. Instead I went to Pathmark (local grocery store) and bought Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and bananas. Tony and I had a greeeeaaaattt lunch!

I stopped up at the Delaware Department of Labor yesterday. That’s always kind of hard because I don’t have time or energy to drop in and see everyone that’s been so nice to me; that makes me kind of sad. I run out of gas a little.

I’ve discovered one problem with my recovery.  As my sense of taste returns, I am rediscovering food. I love to eat so I have to be careful or I’ll gain back the 30 pounds I lost from cancer. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are around the corner and those are my favorite eating holidays. I also tend to celebrate any day ending in “Y.” I was going to celebrate Wednesday yesterday with a pumpkin pie, but my party pooper little voice stopped me.

I am in the middle of a book crisis. My favorite author is James Joyce – I can’t even say that with a straight face. Of course he’s not my favorite. Have you tried reading “Ulysses” lately?  I once read a column by P.J. O’Rourke that said you should only read books that if the cops find your body at home they’ll be impressed. I tried that for a couple of years and still never got through “Moby Dick.”

The truth is I’ve been on a zombie kick lately and my favorite author of that genre is Jonathan Maberry (actually he lives just over the state line in PA). My other favorite is John Sandford author of all the “Prey” books. I’m reading “Dead of Night” by Maberry, but discovered I had missed a Prey book and ordered “Storm Prey” from Amazon. Now I have two great cheesy books to read – I am awash in literary (I use the term very loosely) cheesy crime/zombie riches. Oh well – I’ll just have to hack my way through it all.

I guess that’s it for now.

See you tomorrow,

Bill

A single pushup -- damn!

Hey Posse:

How’s it going?

Well if I needed a reminder that I am recovering versus being healed, I got it yesterday. It was a humbling experience.

After getting up from a needed nap I decided to try and hit the resistance bands and do a light workout. I hadn’t done any working out since early in this whole ordeal. That’s right, I called it an ordeal. I’m not as positive today as I usually am. In fact I am downright surly.

Anyway, I did a couple of sets of shoulder presses using the resistance bands; I used to scorn those things thinking they were faddish and not for real athletes. Like so many things lately I discovered I was wrong; it was way more workout than I anticipated.

Let me set the stage for you. Last winter I developed this lunchtime workout I used at the department of labor when it was too cold to go out and run. My office is on the third floor and the stairwell to the first floor has five or six landings. What I would do is walk briskly up and down the stairs from one landing to the next alternating between pushups, sit-ups, and leg lifts at each landing. I’d do this for about a half hour or forty-five minutes. Between the stairs and calisthenics it was a heck of a workout.

Well yesterday I got on my hands and knees on the green beat up carpet in my little computer office. The dogs of course thought it was quite a delight to have their dad on the floor with them. After their vigorous welcome I got myself into the front leaning rest (that’s what the pushup starting position is called).

I bent my once muscular arms and lowered myself to the floor. My stomach muscles screamed, my triceps ached, my chest quivered and then it happened – I knocked out a single pushup. There was no second – only a weakness that coursed through my body where strength once lived. I rolled over on my back with my chest heaving from the exertion of a single pushup and had it not been for the canine members of our gang, I probably would have cried. They surrounded me and licked my face with consoling thoughtfulness.

Man oh man! It was truly humbling – a single pushup. Fudge (I use fudge instead of another word that begins with f-u). It’s going to be a long, long walk to regain lean muscle mass and full motor function.

That leads me to another challenge. I look and sound much better than I actually am, but I’ll talk about that some other day. Suffice it to say that the chemo protocol I endured is one of the most aggressive and debilitating there is and my fairly optimistic attitude and stoicism tends to mask the seriousness of it all and the side effects – but I’m not a whiner. Although I’m actually whining, because to paraphrase Leslie Gore, “It’s my blog and I’ll whine if I want to.”

I guess that’s it now,

Surlily yours,

Bill

Appointments and walking

Hey Guys:

Well, slow and steady win the race as Aesop said (or at least implied). I’m just plugging along. No great shakes to report today.

Recovering from chemo lacks the drama of being in the hospital for the host of things I was in for over the past six months, but that’s kind of how it goes I guess.

Funny thing though, I kind of miss going to all those appointments. I bet some people get really freaked out when all of a sudden they don’t have to go to the doctor, or get chemo, or get rushed to the hospital for some side effect or other. I can see where it could become addicting in its own way. I bet that Munchhausen by Proxy thing is kind of like that. Being the center of attention and people being forced to listen to what you say – no matter how stupid – could really be its own salve when dealing with cancer or some other high mortality disease.

Now me – I hate being the center of attention. I think I’ve demonstrated that over and over again – I’d just as soon be out of the spotlight as in it. Why I’d no more put myself out there by writing a blog or – never mind.

Speaking of appointments, I go for my PET/CT scan on 16 NOV at 0800 to confirm the cancer is gone. Then I go to what might be one of my final appointments on 23 NOV. If that scan comes back with any cancer on it I don’t know what I’d do. How’s that for a little early morning paranoia?

Walked a new world record yesterday. I went around the block, but this time I made my block a little bigger by going to the second left, which is Hawthorne St., instead of the first left, which is Elm St. By going to Hawthorne I add maybe 150 meters to my walk.

I guess that’s it – oh wait! NO! There’s one more thing. Never mind I’ll write about it tomorrow.

I guess that’s it.

Love to all,

Bill