humility ?

Good Morning Chemo 13:

It’s 0527 and one of the nurses was able to scrounge me up a cup a Joe and here I am. Things are going okay so far – actually better than okay – I have felt remarkably mediocre so far so I am thrilled. A little fatigued perhaps, but pretty darn mediocre.

I know it’s a little premature to be counting chickens, but I was doing a mental inventory of what the final tally of what it will look like if everything goes right from here on in. I’ve had:

·      A brain surgery

·      A bowel resection surgery

·      More than 800 hours of chemotherapy; I’m talking actual stuff dripping into me (20 work weeks of 40 hours)

·      Almost two months of hospitalizations

·      A blood infection that put me in the hospital for a week, which by the way was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced and I’m a guy who once had a parachute malfunction in a military airborne operation – that was nothing compared to the blood deal.

·      180 hospital meals – I keep saying I like the food, but I’m lying.

I know I should write about all the good things that have occurred and I will a little later, but as I get close to ending block six’s chemo phase I can’t help but look back on it all with a certain amount of self-indulgent misplaced pride.

Yet even as I type this, my fingers seem to be taken over by my conscience and almost refuse to cooperate because my prideful musings are partially a lie and an insult to the journey; or am I better off saying our journey. Epiphany perhaps?

A lot to consider.

You see my victories are only apparently mine; they are really ours. Every step along this crooked miserable path of diagnosis, treatment, and everything else has been possible because somebody – most likely one of you – has carried me, or at least lightened my rucksack enough so I could take a next step. This short note is neither the time nor place to list each gang member whose support has helped so far, but suffice it to say I am aware of it and that’s probably the point anyway.

I know this woman of great faith and during this journey she has often said, God has given me this gift for a reason. When she says this I usually tell her he forgot to include the return receipt.

But, maybe she is right after all. I wrestle with her idea and look for the larger reason in it all and while there are several things it could be; one of them may surely be about humility. Mine actually – I can be very prideful.

This posting didn’t go anywhere that I thought it would. Hmmm?

Peace to all and thanks,

Bill