Recovery Goals

Good Morning:

I was trying to figure out just what the heck my goals should be for this recovery period that started yesterday and it occurs to me that there is a lot of work to be done inside my body. Regardless, this is a short list of goals in no particular order.

1.     Stabilize my blood counts – I’m sure I mentioned this, but for the past six months I have been operating in the ‘SAFE’ zone for blood counts as opposed to normal. For example, I’ve been thrilled to have a platelet count of 50,000; normal is three times that number. It’s the same with all blood numbers. Safe and normal are two different things. There isn’t a whole heck of a lot I can do to affect the blood counts, I just have to be patient and let things heal as the poison dissipates from my body.

2.     Get the straight skinny on this heart ejection fraction and try to fix this without the use of drugs – When I was told about the ejection fraction heart problem I have to admit I sat in the doc’s waiting room and cried like a baby. I think I cried more about the potential heart problem than I did when I go the cancer news. In case you guys forgot, your ejection fraction is how much blood your heart moves with every beat. Normally your heart will eject about 60 to 70 percent of the blood in it each beat. My heart does about 40 percent at least that’s what the echocardiogram showed. That has me a bit freaked out because physical fitness/activity has always been a big part of who I am. I need to schedule that stress test for later next week.

3.     Diet Change – Kate and I have this standing joke that she’ll see me driving down Kirkwood Highway with a Whopper in one hand and a cheese steak in the other as I steer my little red truck with my knees. Yeah I need to fix that. I have an atrocious diet. If you cut me I probably bleed sausage gravy.

4.     Lean Muscle Mass – Yeah I need some of that too. Since this started I’ve dropped about 30 pounds. Much of it was excess weight I needed to lose anyway, but much of it was also lean muscle mass. It has become especially problematic in the past two months as my hospital stays became more frequent and I spent more time in bed atrophying. I took a look at myself in the mirror the other day getting out of the shower and I felt like Kramer did in the Seinfeld episode when he opens a smoking room in his apartment and realizes the smoke is destroying his face. He says, “Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.”

5.     Cardiovascular Conditioning – I need some of that too. I would like to run a marathon or half marathon next summer or fall, right now I can’t run to the bathroom without getting winded. This too depends on heart stuff and blood counts.

6.     Why am I here? – I need to take a good, deep, introspective look at things to figure out what happens next. This is probably the most important step of the recovery. You know, I initially scoffed at the idea that this experience would change me, but you don’t go through this and not come out different on the other side. I’m not sure what that means, but things have changed inside Kate and me and we need to figure that out. There is more to life than …

I guess that’s it for now. I have some appointments to make and big thoughts to think.

Love to all,

Bill