1/2 way thoughts

As I close out my fourth block of chemo and pass the halfway point in this I am considering what I’ve learned so far and what I think.

First.  I’m tired – bone weary. I’m sure it’s partially from this round of chemo, but I am truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s such hard work; it’s harder than anything I’ve ever done. It’s harder than Officer Candidate School, the Infantry School, Airborne School, Jump School, and graduate school all put together.

I think the Beatles said it best – It doesn’t exactly fit, but heck I’m tired

I'm so tired

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink

I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink

I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink

No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do

I'm so tired my mind is set on you

I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on

But it's no joke, it's doing me harm

You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain

You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane

You know I'd give you everything I've got

for a little peace of mind.

Second – I’m thankful. I know there are more people who love and appreciate me than I realized before. There is a mass conspiracy out there of people attempting to do me good. I’m not sure many people can say that. I’m thankful for my family who’ve really come shining through during this. I’m thankful for a wife who is truly better than I am; who I’m sure is shouldering an enormous burden and doing it with grace even though he husband can be a shit. I’m thankful for the support I’ve gotten from the Delaware Department of Labor.

Third – I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t kept up with my correspondence and phone calls. It’s just so hard when you’re tired. I’m sorry I haven’t written more poetry during this period – I think I have something to say, but … I’m really sorry I didn’t get off my ass and visit old friends before this all happened. There’s so many I should have visited, but haven’t – Ned to fix that.

Fourth – I’m optimistic. I envision a positive outcome. I am cancer free – even though I have to finish the chemo – and will remain cancer free for many, many years. Sure cancer will probably kill me someday, but by that time it will just be one more in a host health problems trying to kill an octogenarian. It’s true that going through something like this gives one a different perspective. I’m not sure if the air smells better, or the sun brighter, but I do know the things I used to get insane about don’t seem to matter the way they did – with one exception.

Fifth – I hate my kitchen. No matter how hard you try, the kitchen in my house never gets clean. There is no storage space and there is always an errant thing somewhere where it shouldn’t. I’m sure it’s more symbolic than reality. Before I got cancer I had plans to tear out or resurface the cabinets, paint the walls, buy some storage unit stuff, and generally redo it all. Now the kitchen sits there laughing at me. Someday Kate’s going to come home and find the worn out white veneer counter tops stripped off strewn about the ceramic tile floor and me in the parlor fast asleep in a recliner from chemo overexertion. Boxes of southwestern themed colored counter tiles will surround me.

Sixth – I miss going to work. I like work and I like the people at work – even the ones I don’t like – it’s complicated. I like the projects my bosses ask me to do. I like being creative and aggressive while operating within the complexities of regulations. I like telling jokes and quipping at work.

I guess that’s it for now.

Love to all