“Mr. Potter, sweetie, can you fill out this paperwork before we begin the CT scan?” Felicia asked. “The top one is your privacy notification and the next one is just some general information about medical history.”
“Sure no problem,” Bill said looking through what appeared to be an unusually small amount of paper. “Usually it’s volumes,” he thought. Let me see
Reason for scan? – Cancer update
Have you ever had a CT scan here before, when? – Yes late April
Have you ever had brain surgery? Yes Ommaya Reservoir Installation
Have you ever had cancer, diabetes, heart problems? – Yes, I have cancer now and am undergoing chemo.
Shit, I remember less than two months ago I used to answer all these no.
“Felicia, I think I’m done. This is the truth, as I know it anyway.”
“Okay sweetie, Michelle will take you back for you scan. Just meet her at that side door.”
Bill looked quickly around and saw a beige security door connecting the waiting area with the scanning rooms. A dark haired woman dressed in scrubs adorned in elephants opened the door from her side.
“Mr. Potter,” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Come this way,” she said motioning to a big room with a CT scan machine. The machine took up most of the floor space with its long rolling bench feeding what looks like a giant white donut of electronic beeps and burps.
From the adjoining control room, Olga another nurse came out.
“Mr. Potter? How are you today?” She asked.
“I think I’m okay. Why? What’ve you heard?
“I heard you’re a great guy.”
“It’s true. I am.”
“Do you have a chemo port?” she asked.
Mr. Potter reached inside his shirt and pulled out three strands of white tubing surgically connected to his heart through his chest.
“I have this three lumen Hickman.”
“Since it’s not a power port we are going to have to tap into a vein and deliver the contrast solution through an IV,” Olga said. “Is that okay?”
“Sure. Do whatever you have to do. This scan is about finding out what progress we’ve made since I started chemo. A little contrast among friends is no big deal.”
Olga smiled.
“You sure have a good attitude,” she said.
“It’s masking anxiety at the moment.”
“I bet it is. Let’s get going and why don’t you lie down on the bench and I’ll get your IV ready.”
“Is this stuff that makes you feel like you wet your pants?” he asked.
“Yes, but it shouldn't be too bad today. Most people really get that sensation when it’s colder weather. Has something to do with core body temperature.”
Bill lay on the long bench that feeds into the machine and Olga produced a hospital blanket from seemingly thin air.
“Your shorts have a metal zipper, so I need you to drop them around ankles,” Olga said.
“I haven’t heard that kind of deal since college,” he said.
“We are a full service operation. Now drop the shorts and get under the blanket while I insert the IV.”
“Are you all set?” Olga asked.
“I think so,” he said. “I just had a moment of real anxiety for a second.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “You’re authorized. This isn’t easy.
“I’m going to step out of the room and you’ll be given instructions over the speakers. The first series of pictures will be with your arms at your side and then with your arms over your head.”
As Bill lay on the bench waiting for the scan to begin, he noticed that ceiling above the CT machine was painted pitch black with a series of small lights imbedded in the opaque simulated night sky. He could see the big dipper flicker in faux night, planets blinked messages to far away receivers, and meteors streaking across the limited universe of that room signifying nothing, but it all worked to scare the shit out of Bill.
“PLACE YOUR ARMS BY YOUR SIDE,” the CAT scan computer voice commanded. The bench began to move and insert Bill’s upper half inside the machine. He was as alone as he had ever been.
“This is crazy,” Bill thought. “Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee and blessed art thou among women … people get bad news all the time from scans. Suppose we’ve made no progress since this all began … Holy Mary, mother of God pray for us sinners … What would I do if the cancer has actually spread instead of going away? Oh man! … Now and at the hour of our death … How would Kate and I deal with this? … Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name … .
“INHALE AND HOLD YOUR BREATH.”
… Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done …. Jesus, I think I’m going to cry. Not in front of these strangers that’s for damn sure … Stop thinking stupid thoughts you are in the drivers seat here … On earth as it is in heaven … How do you know? How do you ever know? Suppose this scan is good.
“EXHALE AND PLACE YOUR ARMS ABOVE YOUR HEAD.”
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from … deliver us? The only thing I want to be delivered from is cancer. Wow I’m a mess all of a sudden. I guess my positive mental attitude has checked out for the scan … I hope that doesn’t mean something more profound. Maybe I’m not as positive as I think? That’s horsehit.
“INHALE AND HOLD YOUR BREATH.”
Amen … I’m completely freaked out now. I have to wait until Monday to get the results and then I’ll know. I bet if there is no message on my phone when I get home everything is good news … if it is bad news, maybe they won’t call on Friday so I won’t worry over the weekend.”
EXHALE RELAX
“That’s it Mr. Potter,” Olga said. “Let me get this IV out and you can go home. Have a nice weekend.
“Thanks,” he said.
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